Uh Oh, Was Your Temple Cooler Than My Shrine?

Recently, I had the wonderful opportunity to go on a trip to Japan. My husband was invited to teach a martial arts seminar, and I got to tag along with the delegation from his dojo. Cool stuff, really: 13 of us, getting to see a wide variety of lovely, interesting Japan, 4 major destinations in 2 weeks of exploring, 10 folks training aikido, the other 3 of us happily playing tourist while they trained.

How could this be a bad thing?

Well, it turns out that human behavior patterns happen all over the world, even on a dream trip 6000 miles from home.

One of the other trip members and I were talking and figured out that we were feeling some sort of growing anxiety that we had somehow missed out, or that other people were having a better experience than we were. Was the noodle shop she found better than the dumpling place I found? Another person got worried…they saw the silver temple, but we’d seen the gold one. Did they miss something? We peeked at each other’s hotel rooms…whose was bigger? (aaaand the answer here is: neither. Hotel rooms in Japan are ALL incredibly small).

This tendency to compare, to contrast our experience to another’s, is an old, instinctual habit. It likely kept us safe a long time ago when we were hunters and gatherers. Now it just seems silly. For goodness sake, you’re in Japan seeing temples, who cares if it was gold or silver? You had delicious, sometimes very funky (horse sushi anyone?)* Japanese food! Who cares if it was noodles or dumplings?

Once we identified the pressure to 1. Do everything and 2. All have equivalent experiences, and understood that those imperatives were impossible, it was easier to relax. We could giggle that FOMO (fear of missing out) had followed us all the way across the Pacific. We could identify THIS threat to our happiness on our trip and remedy it through choice. We realized we could identify what was most important on any particular day, pursue it and then let the day unfold from there.

It was fascinating to notice that the most memorable experiences happened when we were having fun, wandering and letting ourselves get lost, not planning/insisting/expecting something perfect. It’s a metaphor for life: hold loosely instead of grasping. This approach leads to unknown trails in bamboo forests, noodle shops in alleys, an unexpected invitation into a woodworker’s shop, a long walk in the rain when our public transportation stopped in the middle of our route home.

Once again, success is in noticing your patterns. What’s serving you and what keeps you stuck? FOMO just keeps us unhappy, in comparison and feeling less-than. Flexibility and curiosity increase joy and wonder and cool adventures.

* For those who were wondering, I wasn’t willing to try Black Beauty. No judgement for those who were, it just wasn’t for me!