Advice to an Advice Column

It was a fantastic reminder this week about the power of speaking up when my letter to a nationally syndicated advice columnist was actually published!  The letter was a response to my concerns regarding placating abusive people.  I was dismayed that the usually fabulous Dear Annie column seemed to be advocating for people to go against their choice to stand up for themselves and instead remain in victim mode with their bully siblings.

Dear Annie: I love your column, though the recent letters about abusive siblings and your responses have me concerned. The cultural pressure in the U.S. for victims to somehow be responsible for getting abusive people to change is a damaging and ineffective response to bullies.

I can’t imagine that you would encourage a child being bullied to just be kinder to their bully, thinking it will decrease the abuse.

Asking adults to extend olive branches is just as ineffective. It halves the responsibility of the abusive person (since they are getting away with the behavior) and doubles the responsibility of the victim (since they are now responsible both for their own response and also need to try harder to get the abusive person to stop).

It is critically important for victims to be able to set limits and gain distance from abusive people; at the same time, it is vital for abusive people to be given feedback that their behavior is unacceptable. This is about personal responsibility. Victims need to have the esteem to set limits, and bullies need to increase their awareness of problem behavior and make it stop.

Thanks for listening and for all of your columns over the years! -- A Doctor with Advice

Dear Doctor: Your advice is excellent and much appreciated. You are absolutely correct that victims need to set boundaries and not let bullies bully them. Sometimes, though, when there are conflicts in families, it is not always a clear bully-and-victim situation, as you know, and each person in a quarrel has some responsibility for making the other person feel bad. However, you make several brilliant points in your letter, especially when one party is unquestionably the bully in the situation. Thank you for writing and for your wonderful insights.

ORIGINAL SOURCE: https://www.masslive.com/opinion/2023/02/dear-annie-i-really-dont-want-to-cheat-on-my-wife-but-what-are-my-options.html

Victim mode is a part of the drama triangle and is a pattern of relating to the world from a helpless, “why me?!”  standpoint.  We want to move into agency, choice and creation of our lives instead of feeling like life is happening to us.  This is the central mission of my new collaboration with my brilliant friend, master intuitive Shoshanna French.  The program is a revolutionary look at conflict, connection, and the choices to help our lives and businesses thrive.  

Please join us for a TOTALLY FREE introduction to the concepts of the drama and choice model of relating to ourselves and others.  Next Friday, March 17th, 10 am Mountain time (9 Pacific, 11 Central, noon Eastern).  Click to register and we’ll shoot you an email with the virtual link.  Looking forward to seeing you all there.